That Joke Isn't Funny Anymore
by randomtrees
Summary: Harry does an Unforgivable in his Pj's and Draco doesn't want his friends hurt. But Harry isn't in Slytherin! The heroic 'Chosen One' has to save the day. Again. But who is it and what is really going on at Hogwarts. Anything is possible!
1. He's Bad You Know

**A/N- Loosely (in the loosest sense of the word) inspired by the Smiths song 'That Joke Isn't Funny Anymore' so props to Morrissey for the title. First forays into fanfiction, so please give criticism in the nicest way possible. Rating just to be sure...for language mostly and possibly later chapters. Please feel free to indulge in the Potter merch and Potter-themed treats at the bottom as you review! Hope you enjoy! Thanks.**

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Harry paused. Lowering his quill he slowly got up and looked around.

'I know you're in here' he whispered into the quiet of the library. In reply, Harry heard the footsteps advancing closer towards him.

He counted under his breath '1…2…3…' on the 3 he swung around, wand at the ready. The footsteps stopped. As Harry peered into the darkness, he could make out not one but four figures in front of him. He took a step forward. They took a step back. He advanced again, and again they retreated. Harry sighed.

'You know this joke isn't funny anymore,' he paused again to toss the hair out of eyes and raised his wand.

'CRUCIO!'

*

Harry awoke shaking and sweating, he scrambled up, straightend his robe and glasses and looked around taking in the familiar scenery.

'I'm…I'm in the library…what am I doing here?' he stammered – not quite realising he was talking aloud.

'Exactly what I was wondering Mr Potter,' said the stern voice of Madamn Pince coming from a few shelves away, 'shouldn't you be in class…I sincerely hope you aren't trying to skip, when Professor Du…'

Harry cut her off just as she rounded the bookcase in front of him.

'No! No! I mean no, I'm not skiving…I was looking for a book…for Potions research…we're doing a project and I…' Harry broke off.

Madamn Pince raised an eyebrow and stared at him quizzically. A smile played about her lips as she said 'In your pyjamas Mr Potter?'

*

Hermione and Ron looked at each other nervously as they waited outside Snape's dungeon with the rest of their house and the Gryffindors.

'What do you thinks happened to him, Ron?'

'I dunno…maybe he's sick…we didn't have time to check the hospital wing remember?'

'But…what if he's been expelled…you know for…'

'Enter!' boomed Snape's voice from within the classroom. Hermione started to walk through the door and collided with Malfoy who had been sprinting down the torch-lit corridor. They landed in heap at the doorway much to the laughter of the other students, particularly the Gryffindors. Professor Snape strode the short distance from his desk to the doorframe and glared at his least favourite pupil.

'10 points from Gryffindor for knocking over a Slytherin and a further 10 points for being late. Now get up and take your seat and don't forget to apologise to Miss Granger, Mr Malfoy.' Snape swept round, his cloak billowing and walked back to his desk.

'Sorry.' Malfoy mumbled as he looked at the floor. Inside he was fuming how dare Snape, force _him_ a pureblood, to apologise to this filth. He continued to scowl as he walked to his seat and pulled out his book.

Hermione looked at Malfoy, then Snape with a bewildered look on her face. When she finally made it to her seat, Ron just stared at her 'What was that all about?'

*

When Harry had initially reached the portrait hole, he had felt a wave of calm wash over him. Having escaped Madamn Pince with a warning he had bolted for his dormitory in order to change before anyone else saw him. As he had been running through the corridors, he had tried to figure out why he was in the library and _why_ he was in his pyjamas. Mad ideas such as kidnap, (_Who would kidnap me and hide me in the school library?) _had drifted through his mind before he had realised the easy explanation staring him in the face.

_I was sleepwalking! Of course! _He smiled to himself and shook his head thinking of how hilarious Hermionie and especially Ron were going to find this.

However, now 2 minutes had passed and the calm feeling he had been enjoying since arriving at the portrait hole, had been replaced with one of panic.

After greeting the Fat Lady with 'Asparagus tips' (apparently she was on a health kick) she had simply screamed and several trolls had appeared from nowhere fully prepared to beat Harry to within an inch of his life.

'Slytherin Scum!' the Fat Lady had yelled at him. 'I'll be reporting this to your Head of House _and_ Dumbledore, make no mistake!'

Harry had then found himself ushered down the hall by several trolls who had glared, grunted and gesticulated wildly at him before returning the way they had came.

Harry's gut instinct was to go to Dumbledore, but decided instead to find Ron and Hermione. It was only then that he realised he was late for Snape's Potions class. _My day just keeps getting better and better_.

*

Hermione was floating on air. She had never felt this valued before and certainly never expected to be treated with anything even approaching approval for answering correctly in Professor Snape's class, let alone actually be asked to give potions advice to the other students.

'Miss Granger, if you could show the class your completed potion and possibly help others who are…' Snape paused to look malevolently at Malfoy '…struggling.'

'Yes Sir. Um…If brewed correctly the Draught of Peace should shimmer. If your potion turns black or dark grey then you've added to much hellebore and you'll need to…'

As Hermione explained in detail how to achieve the desired result, Harry was standing outside the door wondering whether he should go in at all. He was still in his pyjamas having been afraid to try the portrait hole again, and the designers of the garments had obviously thought a wand pocket was unnecessary for sleep-wear. Figuring he would be trouble for being late anyway, he knocked on the door and walked into the classroom in what he hoped was a confident manner.

The scene before his eyes shocked him. Hermione appeared to be leading the class while Snape sat at his desk, marking scrolls and occasionally adding extra comments to Hermione's explanation. Realising his mouth was open; he quickly shut it and walked towards Snape's desk.

'Midnight stroll again, Mr Potter?' Snape asked without looking up, catching Harry off-guard.

'Umm…oh you mean, well, I can explain, well no, I can't…I'm sorry I'm late Sir, but…I…I…I was…' Harry stammered out, all the while trying to come up with a plausible explanation.

'Never mind Mr Potter,' Snape said, raising a hand to stop Harry. 'You're here now, take a seat, I'm sure Mr Weasley can tell you what you've missed.'

Harry glanced over at Ron, expecting to see him in fits of laughter at his apperance and got another surprise in what seemed to be a morning full of them.

Ron was taking notes.

*

**A/N-What oddness will occur next? Is McGonagall the giant squid? Will Hagrid suddenly downsize and will Malfoy get a staring role in the next chapter? Hmmm! **

**So what did you think? Please review. Thank you.**


	2. Where For Art Thou Draco?

**A-ha! Second chapter. Seriously, I am unsure as to where this story is going; it's got a mind of its own! I of course own none of the characters etc…they belong to J.K Rowling. Well, here goes…**

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As soon as Draco heard the incantation, his fear was that he was going to be too late to save his friends increased. Pulling his wand out of his robes, he ran in the direction of the library, hoping against hope that he could at least lessen the pain his friends would have inflicted upon them by their attacker. As he neared the doors of the library he slowed his pace to a stop, edged between the gap, looked to his left and saw shadows caused by the candle-light near the restricted book section.

He manoeuvred himself as quietly as possible behind the shelves that were directly opposite the four writhing bodies he could see on the floor of the library. He could make out the glimmer of a silencing charm around them.

Eyeing the attacker he aimed his wand, 'Expelliarmus!!'

The attacker's wand flew up into the air, over the shelves and into Draco's outstretched hand, while his wand hand remained pointed at his attacker between several copies of The Wizards' Compendium.

'Dobby!' he called into the darkness, there was a loud crack and the house-elf materialised at his side.

'Yes sir?' he squeaked.

'Fetch Dumbledore.'

*

'Mr Malfoy!' Snape's voice rang through Draco's head, disrupting his brooding over the misery that being at Hogwarts had caused him since day one. Shocked back to the classroom, Draco saw that Snape was directly in front of him, looking at him with that special look of pure hatred that he seemed to share with only Draco.

'Got your attention have I? Detention tonight at 6pm and a 2ft essay on the properties of the Draught of Peace by tomorrow. No excuses. Understood?' Snape smirked with satisfaction as Draco nodded and then turned back towards the front of the classroom. Draco's face instantly clouded over and he shot a sure-to-kill death stare of his very own at Snape's retreating back.

_Detention and extra homework?_ He thought._ This isn't fair!! Potter gets to do whatever he wants, he turned up to class in pyjamas today for Merlin's sake._

He turned to look at Snape's pet, _Harry Potter, the Great-I-Am_ and scowled openly. Harry turned at that moment, saw Draco's scowling and his own face broke into a grin.

_Smug bastard_ thought Draco and decided that since he had to write an essay on the blasted potion that Hermione, _the curly haired bint_, was wittering on about he thought it prudent to start paying attention. But all he could seem to do was long for the bell.

*

When Harry saw Malfoy glare at him, he almost laughed out loud. Seeing Malfoy punished for once was far better than winning than ever winning the Quidditch Cup.

_At least Malfoy still hates me_ he thought still grinning, as he tried to take in the notes he had been given _some things never change…unlike Ron._

When he'd taken his usual seat next to Ron, he'd found notes already written for him, they even had his name on the top!

'I made duplicates with that spell Flitwick was teaching us in Charms yesterday,' Ron had explained 'I think I got everything down, you know how fast Hermione talks when she's into something.' He had rolled his eyes and Harry had laughed, mostly out of shock to see Ron actually studying.

He looked at Hermione, yes she was still teaching, and then he looked back at Ron…still studying. _Hmmm I wonder…_he didn't have time to finish his thought however as Ron nudged him.

'So…where were you this morning? Me and Hermione looked everywhere, well except the hospital wing, is that the reason for the pyjamas?' Ron asked. 'Me and H were worried about you mate.'

Harry grinned again. 'Ron. Prepare yourself for a laugh.'

*

By the time Draco left Potions half an hour later he had managed to lose a further 10 points for Gryffindor in addition to the 20 he had lost before the class had even started. He stomped down the dungeon corridor and made his way upwards in the direction of the portrait hole.

'You don't seem happy Draco! What's happened my dear?' the Fat Lady asked as he reached the entrance to the common room.

'Potions happened. Asparagus tips.' Draco responded sullenly and the portrait swung open to allow him access. He went up the stairs to the dormitories and flung himself on his bed. _If only I had someone I could talk to, if only Sirius hadn't got himself killed, if only…_ 'Wait a minute,' he sat up abruptly 'Sirius?! Why would I talk to him? What the hell is going on? I need to speak to Dumbledore.' He made to get off his bed and saw Neville staring at him nervously.

'Are you okay Draco?' he asked in a timid voice.

'Neville, where's Harry Potter?'

''Down in the Slytherin common room I expect. You're not going to start another fight with him are you?' Neville replied as he sorted through his trunk.

'No, I was just wondering, umm, this might sound odd but when was our last fight?'

'Yesterday. Right after Charms, are you sure you're ok? Madam Pomfrey told you should stay in the hospital wing today, she was afraid you had concussion. Do you want me to take you back?' Neville had stood up by this point and was eyeing Draco as though the suspected concussion would show itself on his face.

'No, I'm fine, really Neville. I've just had a bad day is all. I think I'm going to go see Dumbledore.' Draco said quickly. The last thing he needed was Neville to alert the others of his peculiar behaviour. _He_ wasn't even sure what was going on, Dumbledore was definitely his safest bet. He was on his way out of the bedroom when Neville cleared his throat.

'Draco?'

'Yeah?' he paused and looked back at him.

'You're going to see Dumbledore? Really?'

'Yes. Look Neville I have to go.' Draco said impatiently and left the dormitories.

Neville sat on his bed and shook his head.

_Good luck trying to get help from that snot-nosed poltergeist_.

*

**Dumbledore's a poltergeist? Seriously that's the best you could come up with? What does Draco know that Harry suspects? And where are the biscuits??**

**Please review, it will really help, so I know whether the story is making any sense (well any nonsense anyway).**


	3. Excerpts From A Brilliant Mind

**Here's to hoping this next chapter sheds some light on the crazy activities going on at Hogwarts. All characters are JKR's mind grapes. Onwards…**

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**Hermione's Journal**

July 1991

_Oh gosh diary! You would not believe what happened to me today. I found out I am a witch!! I received a letter (by owl!) from Hogwarts which is a school for witchcraft and wizardry. Mum and dad seemed startled by the news but they seem pleased. Dad said it's definitely one of the most interesting things that have ever happened in the Granger family history. Speaking of history, I can't wait to find out all about witches and wizards and the school and things. I bet it's just fascinating…_

September 1992

_That Draco Malfoy called me a mudblood today, which was something I didn't understand until Ron told me later. How dare he imply that I'm less because I'm a Muggle? I'm far more clever than him and to be perfectly honest, I'm smarter than most of the people in our year. It's appalling; he shouldn't be allowed to get away with it…_

July 1992

_France has been wonderful so far, I'm really enjoying being able to experience another culture. I was thinking back to what happened with Ginny and the diary; I wonder how the diary worked? I know when Harry stabbed it with the Basilisk fang, it seemed to bleed, well ink I guess, but what kind of spell would enable it to take over a person's mind? Not that I'm looking to do that of course, but it is giving me a few ideas of where to start…_

July 1994

_This entire year has been a bust. I thought having the time-turner would have helped me, somehow but the ministry apparently can keep track of every instance it is used. Damn. Not to mention all the trouble with Harry this year, he's one of my best friends, doing this will help him too. It's not for selfish reasons anymore; I can help so many people doing this! Finding the time didn't help so it must be missing something else…_

September 1996

_As you know, everything isn't exactly going to plan. But I've got someone quite knowledgeable on this things involved on the plan. This is going to be my year diary, I can feel it. There's no way I can fail now…_

*

**Majorly short chapter I know, but i have lots of work to finish and wanted to update even if it's just a bit. What's the plan? Is Hermione behind the madness at Hogwarts or are her plans something else entirely? **

**Happy New Year!**


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